Juice, Anger Issues, & God

Ray bought me this really cute little electric juicer so I can make homemade lemonade. Why am I making homemade lemonade? Because he read on the internet that it supposed to help with kidney stones. I like lemonade, but I have been craving sweet orange juice for almost 2 weeks now. No I am NOT pregnant! I just like orange juice.

Some day when I am rich...hahaha yeah like that's ever gonna happen...I'm gonna be poor and called trailer trash for the rest of my life! Anyway someday when I am rich I will not have to worry about my freezing feet, my aching back, and little juicer machines...I'll order my groceries online and pay the delivery guy and extra twenty or 30 bucks for having to bring them to me.

I'm in a bitchy mood tonight...it has taken me weeks and some temper tantrums before finally bitching enough outloud for Ray to have to explain some techincal things to me about udp, wlan, lan, and thcp...ugh. But finally got one of my tricky programs to work, was excited, when it finished what it was doing I went in search of the program it was doing, when I realized I had accidentally deleted it into cyberspace oblivien never to be seen or heard from again! Oh how I wanted to scream! So here I was sitting right here in front of my laptop swearing every few seconds trying not to be loud enough to wake my son but loud enough to make me more angry by the passing seconds, and to get Ray's help again! Once again Ray came to my rescue! I am so glad I married a genius! I know some tech stuff and can help friends view chat clear their browser chat and some other stuff, but when it comes to the hard core stuff, he's my "computer geek guru"! Now I have to remember to not delete the program I want before testing it!

Oh the juicer...wanna see it...I think it's a cute little thing.

After posting last nights blog...I had someone comment on how much of a bitch that I am. Of course I hadn't read it last night because i had gone to bed, it was just after midnight when I finished writing it. She didn't like the way I had stated my opinion on Julie Powell. I may not be eloquent with my stole or prose but I am honest. I will not make things up to get attention, money or fame like she did. It's just a fact, not a statement, she even says so in the first page of her book that she "just made stuff up" on some parts of her book.

I think my reader set my mood for the entire day. I was upset that someone thought that of me. Me, who takes in stray pups, feeds the neighborhood kids, has them over to play board games or video games, lends food or money to friends that need it more than me (if I have it to give at the time), I am the first person to write to a friend on line on Facebook and ask them if they are okay if they post something that makes me think they need to talk....I am not a mean person by any stretch...to call me a bitch and tell me that they will never read another word I write, well that hurts and it just set my mood for bad attitude for most of the day.

I am doing my best to not take it out on Ray...he is way to good to me! He puts up with so much from me...no seriously he does...I was told by a relative..."you complain to much about your pain". I was stunned to say the least. So I asked Ray..."Do I whine, moan, and complain to much about being in pain to you"? he said sometimes. I thought "well hell ain't that i fine how do you do"! Here I am with rods and screws in my spine, and a failed spinal fusion, permanent nerve damage in both legs and feet, constantly pain in my lower back, butt, legs, and feet, when my feet get cold it hurts like hell from the nerve damage, I can't walk without crutches because I cannot feel most of my left foot and I complain to much? I felt like I had been kicked in the rods and screws. So since then I have decided to just try not to say anything at all...well that didn't work...because now I have been accused of "faking it". I just cannot win. I asked him this morning..."Don't you get tired of having to help me all the time"? He said "no, never". Made me smile and made my heart hurt a little. He misses the old me, the one that could play and rough house with him, the one that could dance up a two step streak with him. I don't blame him...I miss me too.

I keep wondering if life will ever get any easier for us. God I sure hope so! So God if your up there listening...we could use a little help down here...we need a miracle!

I always watch these shows where the poor guy has someone rich help him out, buys him a new house car, clothes, gives him an awesome job, sets him up for the rest of his life, or the lady who finds a dollar bill and wins a nice lottery and even after paying the taxes on the amount won she has enough to get a complete new makeover and starts her love anew, the guy who adds a paypal donate button to his web site and all of the sudden has twenty thousand hits to his page and people are sending him him 20 dollars a hit or the couple who won the lottery not once, not twice, but three times! Sigh...I just don't have that kind of luck. Please God even if it's a tiny miracle...we need you!

Well that's it for tonight, I'm to tired to fight any more this day, so until next time, see you next time for more coffee & conversation!

My Pain & Rain

Was a quiet day here today. I spent it desperately trying to get caught up on the laundry. No such luck there! I have a preteen boy who thinks he's a teenage girl! He changes clothes more than most girls I knew growing up. The combinations! Makes you want to ask him and his friends "who dresses you in the mornings!". I bet if you put them all in a gymnasium and asked that all the moms would shake their heads and collectively say..hmm hmm "Not me honey...I know better than that!". He doesn't wear those drastically low pants that the kids these days seem to be doing...still. I told him if I ever caught him wearing them that way I would pull them and his underwear all the way to his ankles and make him walk around the block with a sign saying..."I don't know how to pull my pants up". He does however wear his clothes in layers...3 or 4 layers, then has to change from school clothes to play clothes after school.

Ray is the same way with shirts...a t-shirt, a shirt, and a sweater. that's 15 shirts in 5 days just for 1 person then throw in my sons and it's 30 to 45 shirts, plus 5 from me, maybe 7 if I wear sweaters over a shirt on cold days. then throw in the jeans, socks, under garments...that's a shit load of laundry for just three people!

Storms rolled in from the south and the temps dropped with it. If you have arthritis, had major surgery, rods, screws, any muscle disease, and so on you know with the oncoming rain the pain comes with it. Today was bad pain day. So much so I grabbed my pillow in between laundry loads and just laid on the couch.

Ray came home early because he was feeling under the weather today. So I made dinner very early tonight. Ham & Cheese rolled up inside crescent rolls, and home made tomato & basil soup. I was wanting some to combat the dreary weather outside. I got the recipe here:

Creamy Tomato Soup

After dinner I got the dinner dishes done as quickly as I could, made coffee, then went into our bedroom and turned on the mattress heater and laid on my back. Hoping to get rid of a monster of a headache, the aches in my spine, and the pain in my right leg today. It helped some, but I missed putting my son to bed and that tears me apart more than the pain does.

I once tried describing my pain to someone...I shall try again.

When I walk: it feels like someone is taking a very thick sharp needle and stabbing it fairly hard at the base of my spine on both the left and right side of my bones.

In my legs it feels like the ache you get in your legs when you run/walk as fast as you can and you get that burning feeling in your muscles for hours. Mine is almost constant.

In my big toes and tops of my feet...it's like some taking a hot poker out of a fire and running it across my feet and toes. It doesn't last very long...maybe a minute or two. When it comes, if I am sitting my leg will shoot out from where it is and stay out in front of me. Sometimes I can curl my toes, most times not...I involuntarily take a deep breath in. It can't be helped. I wait out the pain. Sometimes I will try rubbing my foot back and forth on a cloth surface...the carpet the side of the couch, the bed...I think it's psychological to try and get it to stop.

Behind my knees...sometimes behind my knees will cramp up. To the point where I cannot bend my legs at all. That usually last for a half hour or more.

Leg cramps and twitching...I will just be sitting or laying down and all of the sudden the muscles will start twitching, some times mild sometimes so strong it shakes all of me. A good twitch will send my leg straight out, waking me from sleep sometimes. Not so good when in a small place (like a car). Leg cramps are a constant. It very disconcerting to watch the muscle in my calves sink in and stay there. The pain is mind bending! Thigh cramps make me want to scream. They are God awful things to deal with.

My hips feel like they are grinding glass sometimes. When walking or just sitting.

When I lay on my back..it has to be a completely flat surface. We had to buy a whole bed after I had my surgery, even then it wasn't quite right. Ray had to cut plywood and put it under our mattress.

When I roll onto my sides the pain changes...if I lay on my left side it tries to pull the spine downward towards my left hip. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you carry a heavy toddler on your left hip for awhile up a hill, then put the child down and straighten back up. The pain you feel in your hip and back right then and there is close but...now double the pain.

When I roll onto my right side the pain is much worse than it is on my left. So needless to say I don't do it for very long.

When I lay on my side...my feet have to be perfectly matched up with each other. No laying one foot out in front of the other on the bed. It pulls to much on my hips and spine.

Cold on my feet...I live in a trailer home so the floor has nothing but air under it. In the winter months the floor can get very very cold. With the cold comes the pain. Serious pain. Ray has bought me super thick socks that help some. I will end up wearing shoes.

Wearing shoes...any type of shoe hurts and irritates my feet to no end. Even though my left foot is 90% numb it still irritates the side that isn't. How to describe the irritation...it's kind of like a mild sunburn feeling, mixed with a nerve wracking tingling, like when you foot goes to sleep. That's as close as I can get to it.

Sitting in a chair...I cannot sit in any type of soft chair. It has to be a solid seat with a ram rod straight back.I have to constantly shift positions in the chair to get comfortable.

Riding in a vehicle...it's like someone taking a baseball bat to me, I feel every tiny bump in the road, and curves make me want to faint. Ray tries so hard to take curves (clover leaf style ones) so very slowly, pisses other drivers off. Speed bumps make me cry. You know how on a road it will feel like a roller coaster ride...where it literally lifts you off the seat and makes the kids in the back seat laugh and yell weeeee....those are maddening for me. Breaking...that lurching you have to do in major cities when some idiot doesn't use his blinker or the light changes just as you are approaching it. Almost the same pain as i get when I lay on my right side.

Getting in and out of a vehicle...I have to use a step stool. I stand on it with my right foot because I can still feel most of it. I have to grab onto Ray with both my hands and he holds me under my arms. I push upwards with my right leg as best as I can, while Ray lifts under my arms. 9 times out of 10 I have to stop to catch my breath and hold on to Ray until the sudden sharp pain in my back from the push off dies down. Then he gently helps me sit down in the seat. Now we have to turn me to face forward, sometimes having to grab my left leg by my pants and lifting it up and over...it's half numb. Then the matter of reaching back to get the seat belt to put around me. Not an easy task because it hurts to twist my back at any hard angle.

Making love...what's that? No really we have tried...there is no comfortable way, no way that doesn't cause me pain. You may think well why does he stay, how do you know he hasn't gotten it on the side? Because he is home every night, he even comes home early, calls me every day from work to check on me. Besides there are other ways to make love to your husband than having sex. I trust my husband and he trusts me.

Too personal for you? Well some people have asked...I have also been accused of "faking it" (my pain and injuries) to get attention...really? Why would anyone fake rods and screws?

Hugging....I have to have Ray or my son hug me as they would a frail elderly person. I want so much to be able to bear hug my son. He is having to grow up to fast for my liking because of this. He has started helping me to cook, and clean the house. At 9 years old it doesn't seem fair.

Doing chores...I have to do very small loads of laundry. Putting them in the washer from the laundry basket is no easy task. Be cause I have to bend to do both. Putting them into the dryer from the washer...if the get stuck under the agitator I have to work it lose very gently. I do NOT tuck on it at all. I tried once...will NEVER do it again. Pain shot down from my spine and into my legs then back up to my rods and screws. I screamed and clung to the washing machine for dear life. Getting clothes out of the dryer to hang up and fold. A little harder to do. I have an old washer and dryer. I have to open the door on the dryer sideways...bend and reach in...well that won't work! So I find other ways to get it done. Squatting in front of the dryer...A rolling cart helps. Sit on the floor put the clothes into a hamper on the rolling cart. It has to be a low cart. The get up and just roll the cart to where I am folding the clothes at. My laundry toom is tiny, just enough room to stand in front of the washer and dryer.

Sweeping the floors...I only have three floors that need sweeping...kitchen, and 2 bathrooms, all fairly small areas. Ever tried sweeping while on crutches? My son is still no good at it. I lol at him, it's very funny to watch. I do the best I can, rest for a half hour then do it again to make sure it's clean.

Vacuuming...Ray bought me a self propelled vacuum. I have to do maybe a 2 foot by 2 foot, rest, do another, rest do another, rest, and so on. My son learned how to use the vacuum last week. That he did very well. I do not want him doing all the chores. He is young and so needs to be a boy and have fun.

Dusting...that I can still do if it's just above eye level to the floor...I can sit on the floor and dust.

Doing the dishes...my son helps me with that too. I will rinse them he will put them in the dishwasher. I still wash my pots, pans, and glass bowls by hand. I will lean forward against the sink to do this.

Dancing...how my husband and I met. I so miss it. I cannot dance not even a slow dance. It hurts to much.

Going up and down steps...I use 1 crutch and hold onto the railing with the other hand and I go at a very slow pace. It takes me almost a minute to go down 5 steps. Almost 2 minutes to come back up.

Elevators...they have always caused me vertigo. Now along with that it pulls at me. Like being stretched. Kind of painful. Just glad when the ride is over.

Getting dressed...how long do you take to get dressed? The average male takes about 5 minutes, the average (I said average people) takes about 9 minutes. It takes me nearly thirty minutes to get dressed (just clothes). From putting on a pair of underwear, then trying to get the bra on without pulling my arms to far back behind me (I learned how to put it on backwards then turn it around). Then putting on jeans...so not any easy task. One of the harder things to do. I have to sit on the end of the bed, put one leg up on the bed with my foot nearly touching the knee of my other leg. Put the jeans on that foot, pull them up to the knee, lower the foot back down and lean backwards to get the other foot up on the bed. Then do the same thing...now stand up without falling down. Using my crutches I stand myself up. I pull the jeans up slowly so I don't jerk my spine in any direction. Now time to get my shirt/blouse on. If it's button I have to very carefully put each arms in, ever notice that you twist your back to put one of those on? Next time you get dressed pay careful attention to every detail. Pull overs/t-shirts are little easier to do. Now for the socks and shoes. I have to once again sit on the bed the same way I did with the jeans. This time putting on socks. I have come to use "toe" socks now. Less rubbing of one toe against the others. When your feet are numb you can't feel if the toe nails are digging into the other toes. Now the shoes. Sitting once again the same way as the jeans and socks. If I'm having a very bad morning Ray will help me put them on. I always cry. I so do NOT want to be a burden to anyone. When was the last time someone helped you get dressed?

As with any injury you try to compensate in other ways. A new way to walk, sit, stand, lay. You retrain your body to do every day things in a brand new way. Sometimes your body fights back or reacts in a manner that causes a whole new pain somewhere else.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and supporting husband and son. I thank God for them with every breath that I take. 

So now you know just a little bit more about me. Any questions? Comments?

See you next time for more coffee and conversation.

Anyone listening?

My husband figured this would be a good outlet for me. I'm kind of housebound at the moment. I get distracted easily and can't seem to stay focused on the task at hand, so he thought this might help me get a little bit more organized.

Lets see...where to begin...

I'm 44..I am married...you knew that already...I have 1 child...a very smart (and smart aleck) son and my best buddy Oscar the "deagle". He's a mixed breed of half Daschund and half short legged Beagle.

I have my coffee (with cream and sugar of course), now for some conversation...it's a fairly warm day out for the middle of winter, I have chores to do but wanted to get this started first before I begin them. I don't want to do them for two reasons...I hate folding clothes (who doesn't!) and I'm still in a lot of pain from yesterday.

I had a monsterous doctors appointment I almost didn't get to do. I had to do an IVP Exam. It's like an X-Ray but with a dye injected into you. It's to check your kidney's for kidney stones. Not very fun! Before you have to do the IVP you have to do what the docs lovenly call a "cleanout". I didn't find anything lovely about it all! So I spent all day Sunday drinking nothing but liquids and eating Lime Jello (never want to see another bowl of that ever again!)Then had to drink magnesium citrate solution...needless to say 5 and 1/2 hours later I was spending more time in the bathroom then with my husband in the living room.

Anyway...got the exam done the next day...but nor before almost not getting to do it. After spending much time in the bathroom the night before and the morning of the exam they hand me this little plastic cup with a lid and say we need you to prove your not pregnant. What? Seriously? I just spent all night and half the morning in the bathroom! I have nothing left! They said they just need a tiny amount just three drops. I didn't want to have to redo the prep for this test ever again...back to the bathroom I go...I sat there praying to God to help me pee! He came through for me...three drops was needed I gave them 6!

They escorted me into the x-ray room...it's always freezing in there. I had to lay on this stainless steel table with nothing but a sheet over me. (yes I had on medical scrubs top and bottoms...get your mind out of the gutter) After laying perfectly still with a wedge under my knees for the first three sets of x-rays, they put in an IV and brought over this syringe that looked like an over grown turkey baster! This thing was at least an inch round and 4 inches long!

She tells me..."now you're going to get very warm either in your groin or your chest, it's perfectly normal". She said warm, not hot! Holy cow! It took less than 5 seconds to start feeling the effects of it. Took 3 more normal sets with me laying flat on my back, they took away the knee wedge. They bring in a triangle shaped blue covered piece of foam. Okay I think they are going to put that under my knees. Nope! The roll me on my side and put it under my right side then roll me back onto it and my back. I tell them this hurts because of the rods and screws in my spine. (I'll explain those later) They say just hang on we're almost done. After 2 pictures that way, they removed the wedge. I breathed a sigh of relief. Not for long though, they then rolled me again, this time onto my other side, "here we go again" I thought. More pain for almost 3 minutes. By the time they were done I was in tears. I just wanted to get up and go home and lay on my hot pad. I was cold and in a good amount of pain. They had to redo one of the x-rays. I started to quietly cry again.

After the exam I requested a copy of the images for my own records (always a good idea!) I was then told I could go get dressed and return to the lobby. It took me damn near 15 minutes just to put on a pair of sweat pants, bra, t-shirt, sweater and shoes. I crabbed my cane. NOT my regular forearm crutch...that got lost (by accident) but a regular cane, which I hate. They are not very stable.

Waited for about another ten minutes, when the nurse came back out and handed me the disc of my copies of the pics. We left and headed straight to The Original Pancake House for breakfast. Expensive but worth it! I was finally able to take a pain pill! I hadn't been able to for over 24 hours! I ordered coffee (their coffee if very bitter) orange juice (fresh squeezed) and Eggs Benedict. My fav way to eat eggs. I love Holendaise sauce!

After breakfast we headed to my husbands work place so he could pick something up. I didn't make it that far. I feel asleep in the truck, even though the roads were we live are horrible. The last two days had caught up with me. After finally getting home. I crashed for another two hours.

Today i am going to take it fairly easy and let my body get the rest it needs. I do need to go fold those clothes in the dryer though. NOT an easy task for me. Over the last two years I have had to relearn how to do almost everything in a new way so I don't hurt myself. (I'll explain all about that later). For now I'm going to go get another cup of coffee and start that laundry. Maybe stop over in Facebook for a bit, then figure out how to put Linux and Windows on one laptop! Ugh! Not looking forward to that!

See you later on with more coffee and conversation!