My Pain & Rain

Was a quiet day here today. I spent it desperately trying to get caught up on the laundry. No such luck there! I have a preteen boy who thinks he's a teenage girl! He changes clothes more than most girls I knew growing up. The combinations! Makes you want to ask him and his friends "who dresses you in the mornings!". I bet if you put them all in a gymnasium and asked that all the moms would shake their heads and collectively say..hmm hmm "Not me honey...I know better than that!". He doesn't wear those drastically low pants that the kids these days seem to be doing...still. I told him if I ever caught him wearing them that way I would pull them and his underwear all the way to his ankles and make him walk around the block with a sign saying..."I don't know how to pull my pants up". He does however wear his clothes in layers...3 or 4 layers, then has to change from school clothes to play clothes after school.

Ray is the same way with shirts...a t-shirt, a shirt, and a sweater. that's 15 shirts in 5 days just for 1 person then throw in my sons and it's 30 to 45 shirts, plus 5 from me, maybe 7 if I wear sweaters over a shirt on cold days. then throw in the jeans, socks, under garments...that's a shit load of laundry for just three people!

Storms rolled in from the south and the temps dropped with it. If you have arthritis, had major surgery, rods, screws, any muscle disease, and so on you know with the oncoming rain the pain comes with it. Today was bad pain day. So much so I grabbed my pillow in between laundry loads and just laid on the couch.

Ray came home early because he was feeling under the weather today. So I made dinner very early tonight. Ham & Cheese rolled up inside crescent rolls, and home made tomato & basil soup. I was wanting some to combat the dreary weather outside. I got the recipe here:

Creamy Tomato Soup

After dinner I got the dinner dishes done as quickly as I could, made coffee, then went into our bedroom and turned on the mattress heater and laid on my back. Hoping to get rid of a monster of a headache, the aches in my spine, and the pain in my right leg today. It helped some, but I missed putting my son to bed and that tears me apart more than the pain does.

I once tried describing my pain to someone...I shall try again.

When I walk: it feels like someone is taking a very thick sharp needle and stabbing it fairly hard at the base of my spine on both the left and right side of my bones.

In my legs it feels like the ache you get in your legs when you run/walk as fast as you can and you get that burning feeling in your muscles for hours. Mine is almost constant.

In my big toes and tops of my feet...it's like some taking a hot poker out of a fire and running it across my feet and toes. It doesn't last very long...maybe a minute or two. When it comes, if I am sitting my leg will shoot out from where it is and stay out in front of me. Sometimes I can curl my toes, most times not...I involuntarily take a deep breath in. It can't be helped. I wait out the pain. Sometimes I will try rubbing my foot back and forth on a cloth surface...the carpet the side of the couch, the bed...I think it's psychological to try and get it to stop.

Behind my knees...sometimes behind my knees will cramp up. To the point where I cannot bend my legs at all. That usually last for a half hour or more.

Leg cramps and twitching...I will just be sitting or laying down and all of the sudden the muscles will start twitching, some times mild sometimes so strong it shakes all of me. A good twitch will send my leg straight out, waking me from sleep sometimes. Not so good when in a small place (like a car). Leg cramps are a constant. It very disconcerting to watch the muscle in my calves sink in and stay there. The pain is mind bending! Thigh cramps make me want to scream. They are God awful things to deal with.

My hips feel like they are grinding glass sometimes. When walking or just sitting.

When I lay on my back..it has to be a completely flat surface. We had to buy a whole bed after I had my surgery, even then it wasn't quite right. Ray had to cut plywood and put it under our mattress.

When I roll onto my sides the pain changes...if I lay on my left side it tries to pull the spine downward towards my left hip. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you carry a heavy toddler on your left hip for awhile up a hill, then put the child down and straighten back up. The pain you feel in your hip and back right then and there is close but...now double the pain.

When I roll onto my right side the pain is much worse than it is on my left. So needless to say I don't do it for very long.

When I lay on my side...my feet have to be perfectly matched up with each other. No laying one foot out in front of the other on the bed. It pulls to much on my hips and spine.

Cold on my feet...I live in a trailer home so the floor has nothing but air under it. In the winter months the floor can get very very cold. With the cold comes the pain. Serious pain. Ray has bought me super thick socks that help some. I will end up wearing shoes.

Wearing shoes...any type of shoe hurts and irritates my feet to no end. Even though my left foot is 90% numb it still irritates the side that isn't. How to describe the irritation...it's kind of like a mild sunburn feeling, mixed with a nerve wracking tingling, like when you foot goes to sleep. That's as close as I can get to it.

Sitting in a chair...I cannot sit in any type of soft chair. It has to be a solid seat with a ram rod straight back.I have to constantly shift positions in the chair to get comfortable.

Riding in a vehicle...it's like someone taking a baseball bat to me, I feel every tiny bump in the road, and curves make me want to faint. Ray tries so hard to take curves (clover leaf style ones) so very slowly, pisses other drivers off. Speed bumps make me cry. You know how on a road it will feel like a roller coaster ride...where it literally lifts you off the seat and makes the kids in the back seat laugh and yell weeeee....those are maddening for me. Breaking...that lurching you have to do in major cities when some idiot doesn't use his blinker or the light changes just as you are approaching it. Almost the same pain as i get when I lay on my right side.

Getting in and out of a vehicle...I have to use a step stool. I stand on it with my right foot because I can still feel most of it. I have to grab onto Ray with both my hands and he holds me under my arms. I push upwards with my right leg as best as I can, while Ray lifts under my arms. 9 times out of 10 I have to stop to catch my breath and hold on to Ray until the sudden sharp pain in my back from the push off dies down. Then he gently helps me sit down in the seat. Now we have to turn me to face forward, sometimes having to grab my left leg by my pants and lifting it up and over...it's half numb. Then the matter of reaching back to get the seat belt to put around me. Not an easy task because it hurts to twist my back at any hard angle.

Making love...what's that? No really we have tried...there is no comfortable way, no way that doesn't cause me pain. You may think well why does he stay, how do you know he hasn't gotten it on the side? Because he is home every night, he even comes home early, calls me every day from work to check on me. Besides there are other ways to make love to your husband than having sex. I trust my husband and he trusts me.

Too personal for you? Well some people have asked...I have also been accused of "faking it" (my pain and injuries) to get attention...really? Why would anyone fake rods and screws?

Hugging....I have to have Ray or my son hug me as they would a frail elderly person. I want so much to be able to bear hug my son. He is having to grow up to fast for my liking because of this. He has started helping me to cook, and clean the house. At 9 years old it doesn't seem fair.

Doing chores...I have to do very small loads of laundry. Putting them in the washer from the laundry basket is no easy task. Be cause I have to bend to do both. Putting them into the dryer from the washer...if the get stuck under the agitator I have to work it lose very gently. I do NOT tuck on it at all. I tried once...will NEVER do it again. Pain shot down from my spine and into my legs then back up to my rods and screws. I screamed and clung to the washing machine for dear life. Getting clothes out of the dryer to hang up and fold. A little harder to do. I have an old washer and dryer. I have to open the door on the dryer sideways...bend and reach in...well that won't work! So I find other ways to get it done. Squatting in front of the dryer...A rolling cart helps. Sit on the floor put the clothes into a hamper on the rolling cart. It has to be a low cart. The get up and just roll the cart to where I am folding the clothes at. My laundry toom is tiny, just enough room to stand in front of the washer and dryer.

Sweeping the floors...I only have three floors that need sweeping...kitchen, and 2 bathrooms, all fairly small areas. Ever tried sweeping while on crutches? My son is still no good at it. I lol at him, it's very funny to watch. I do the best I can, rest for a half hour then do it again to make sure it's clean.

Vacuuming...Ray bought me a self propelled vacuum. I have to do maybe a 2 foot by 2 foot, rest, do another, rest do another, rest, and so on. My son learned how to use the vacuum last week. That he did very well. I do not want him doing all the chores. He is young and so needs to be a boy and have fun.

Dusting...that I can still do if it's just above eye level to the floor...I can sit on the floor and dust.

Doing the dishes...my son helps me with that too. I will rinse them he will put them in the dishwasher. I still wash my pots, pans, and glass bowls by hand. I will lean forward against the sink to do this.

Dancing...how my husband and I met. I so miss it. I cannot dance not even a slow dance. It hurts to much.

Going up and down steps...I use 1 crutch and hold onto the railing with the other hand and I go at a very slow pace. It takes me almost a minute to go down 5 steps. Almost 2 minutes to come back up.

Elevators...they have always caused me vertigo. Now along with that it pulls at me. Like being stretched. Kind of painful. Just glad when the ride is over.

Getting dressed...how long do you take to get dressed? The average male takes about 5 minutes, the average (I said average people) takes about 9 minutes. It takes me nearly thirty minutes to get dressed (just clothes). From putting on a pair of underwear, then trying to get the bra on without pulling my arms to far back behind me (I learned how to put it on backwards then turn it around). Then putting on jeans...so not any easy task. One of the harder things to do. I have to sit on the end of the bed, put one leg up on the bed with my foot nearly touching the knee of my other leg. Put the jeans on that foot, pull them up to the knee, lower the foot back down and lean backwards to get the other foot up on the bed. Then do the same thing...now stand up without falling down. Using my crutches I stand myself up. I pull the jeans up slowly so I don't jerk my spine in any direction. Now time to get my shirt/blouse on. If it's button I have to very carefully put each arms in, ever notice that you twist your back to put one of those on? Next time you get dressed pay careful attention to every detail. Pull overs/t-shirts are little easier to do. Now for the socks and shoes. I have to once again sit on the bed the same way I did with the jeans. This time putting on socks. I have come to use "toe" socks now. Less rubbing of one toe against the others. When your feet are numb you can't feel if the toe nails are digging into the other toes. Now the shoes. Sitting once again the same way as the jeans and socks. If I'm having a very bad morning Ray will help me put them on. I always cry. I so do NOT want to be a burden to anyone. When was the last time someone helped you get dressed?

As with any injury you try to compensate in other ways. A new way to walk, sit, stand, lay. You retrain your body to do every day things in a brand new way. Sometimes your body fights back or reacts in a manner that causes a whole new pain somewhere else.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and supporting husband and son. I thank God for them with every breath that I take. 

So now you know just a little bit more about me. Any questions? Comments?

See you next time for more coffee and conversation.